45

Today I get to do what I want. I arranged my week so that today was free. I tried to keep the house tidy all week so that today I would not find myself in complete squalor. It is quiet in the house, as everyone else has left for the day. I have been sitting on the couch for over thirty minutes now...because I can. Without the distraction of clutter, I can really focus on just how distracted I actually am.

I have ideas for things I would like to do, but they seem to get a bit tangled in the notions of things I ought to do. I am on a stationary bicycle, peddling like a lunatic and getting nowhere, but at least I am getting some exercise. If my wheels were to hit the ground, I'd be unstoppable! Luckily I'd have the capes for some wind resistance. Make no mistake, the issue is not necessarily how many things I actually have to do, but rather all of the things I can think about that have to be done. 

College applications for my son are not technically my responsibility to complete, but they are looming out there in the wind with the college visits and part-time job quests (yes, you should wear pants for an interview my son) and several other things I have probably not even stopped to consider. I just sort of stand nearby waving a butterfly net trying to catch what I can, afraid if I look away something gigantic will get past me. There is no question that my vision is flawed. I am fully aware that thinking about things does not get them done any more so than putting something in a file called "to be done at a later date" means it will never happen.

Today is for me, and I am trying to make my sole responsibility to appreciate and enjoy my life. I am freeing my hands from grasping at straws, and instead will fill them with peanut m&ms. Yes, today I will eat more than my fair share of candy in the name of joy...and will be sure to save some for tomorrow when I will go back to eating it out of stress.

Happy Birthday to me, and thank you for being part of my incredible life!