As I am sure you can imagine, I have grand plans to be off doing ultra glamorous things to take full advantage of this extra day in the year 2012. I scanned the globe to find a guest poster to inform and amuse you all in my absence. Or maybe it is Leap Blog Day, and I chose someone from a long list of awesomeness. I did not select him based solely on his interest in legos, though that didn't hurt. I am well aware that my own husband takes a bit of flack here in my little corner of the interwebs, but rather than letting him have a day to defend himself, I am happy to introduce you to somebody else's husband....known to me only as... (drumroll)...
A Husband’s Guide to : Wreck-less Wisdom
My name is The HusBlog (no it’s not German) and I will be your guest poster for today. I would say writer but I think you will agree, after reading this, calling myself a writer is probably false advertising. I guess I should give you a little background before we get into it. I aspire to one day be called a humorist and write a vaguely funny blog that deals with the ups, downs, and sideways of being a husband. I bet you understand the name now right?
“So TheHusblog is not your real name?”
Be quiet voice in my head I am talking.
“Don’t you mean writing? Oh wait I am sorry posting?”
I am just going to ignore you for the time being. Back to my summation. I have been married for several years and because my life was bringing me much amusement I decided to start to write it down and that turned into a blog which has brought me here. I typically write in a Guide like format, which means I talk about something like I know it better than I do in hopes of teaching you, the reader something. Although, I usually just end up teaching you, the reader that I am just one mistake away from total collapse.
“Hey TheHusBlog, I think you have self esteem issues, do you need a hug?”
Yes, so much... Er, I mean let’s get on to the topic at hand...
Throughout my life I have been both the giver and receiver of advice. When I think about advice I always fall back on a lyric from a song. The song was basically a graduation speech with music behind it from Baz Luhrmann. This song was popular for about 35 seconds in the late 90’s however I got a copy of it and listen to it often. Here is a quote about advice :
Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.
Advice is a funny thing. When you most need it is the time when you are most likely to ignore it and when you don’t need or want it, people are more than likely to give it to you anyway. It is like there is some cosmic radar designed to give people a short circuit when they hear anything they don’t agree with, especially if said with conviction. Let’s say you are facing a supreme tragedy, friends and family will want to support you, but they will not have the right words to comfort or instruct you. On the other hand you could have just made a bold choice to take your life in another direction, more than likely friends will surround you with words of caution, begging you to change your mind rather than supporting the dream you are about to follow.
What I want, instead, sometimes, is Wreck-less Wisdom. The kind of advice that might sometimes lead to bad choices, but those bad choices can lead to some great lessons that will live on throughout the life of an interesting person. My father, who is far greater than I would ever aspire to be has a quote (he might have stolen it from someone) :
I never learned anything from doing something right the first time.
To me life is just as much about making mistakes as it is about being perfect. After all it is the mistakes that make us interesting. Sometimes we have to stop trying to be perfect to everyone around us and instead throw caution to the wind (do you ever throw caution anywhere else?) and make a bold choice. You know what time it is...
TheHusBlog Definition Pause : Wreck-less Advice
“Ah, TheHusBlog, I don’t know what time it is. I can assume it is TheHusBlog Definition Pause time but that is only because you just typed it. You’re guest posting, remember?”
Okay, valid point. TheHusBlog Definition Pause is something I do to break up a post. It kind of acts as a stopping point for the central theme of the post.
“Oh wait, you mean you do have a point? Cause I was getting a little worried there.”
I hate you.
TheHusBlog Definition Pause : Wreck-less Advice (neutral)
• Value you yourself more than you think you deserve, you would be surprised how
much you bring to the world around you.
• Forgive an enemy who doesn’t deserve it.
• Get your spouse really, really drunk one night... take lots of pictures. But you have to nurse their hang over the next day.
• Sext your spouse at a really inappropriate time.
• Take up a new hobby that you never thought you would ever do.
• Plan a vacation.
• Compliment a random stranger.
• Call a friend you haven’t talked to in years just to touch base.
So all of those sound cool and interesting right. In fact I should turn that list into song lyrics for Taylor Swift’s next breakout hit... What makes those Wreck-less is that they could really go either way, good or bad, and that is what makes them oh so interesting.
TheHusBlog Definition Pause : Wreck-less Advice (Good Outcome)
• Value you yourself more than you think you deserve, you would be surprised how much you bring to the world around you. Other people notice your value and all of sudden you get a promotion, your spouse finds you more sexy and people flock to you.
• Forgive an enemy who doesn’t deserve it. With your forgiveness a weight is lifted from your heart and you really begin to understand how much impact you can have on the world.
• Get your spouse really, really drunk one night... take lots of pictures. But you have to nurse their hang over the next day. Your spouse has a great time, totally tells you over and over again how amazing you are, and you have really passionate sex and he/she does that thing you really like
• Sext your spouse at a really inappropriate time. A difficult time is broken up by sexiness, your spouse responds, and your cell phone becomes a conduit of intimacy that is realized the next time you see each other.
• Take up a new hobby that you never thought you would ever do. You finally realize you are an amazing painter and your life takes a totally different turn as you begin to paint portraits of family members which later turns into a fledgling business.
• Plan a vacation. You find the perfect deal and whisk away to an amazing beach which not only refreshes you, but also opens up your inner creativity.
• Compliment a random stranger. You touch a life and the person you compliment goes on to touch another persons life and so on... (Totally a Pay It Forward kind of moment)
• Call a friend you haven’t talked to in years just to touch base. The call to your friend comes at exactly the right time. You talk to him/her and your friendship feels the same as it ever did. You help him/her and not only do they feel better but you do too. You are a great friend.
TheHusBlog Definition Pause : Wreck-less Advice (Bad Outcome)
• Value you yourself more than you think you deserve, you would be surprised how much you bring to the world around you. Your ego not only puts off your friends and family, but your waiter at Chilis spits in your food, which later leads to an outbreak of Oral Herpes you cannot explain to your spouse.
• Forgive an enemy who doesn’t deserve it. Rather than learning a painful lesson your enemy learns that they can truly get away with anything and sleeps with your spouse.
• Get your spouse really, really drunk one night... take lots of pictures. But you have to nurse their hang over the next day. Without inhibitions your spouse finally admits that he/she really wants to sleep with your sister/brother and thinks you are fat.
• Sext your spouse at a really inappropriate time. You accidentally send the message to your boss, who now really wants to have an “after hours” drink with you.
• Take up a new hobby that you never thought you would ever do. Turns out your are allergic to Orchids and your flower arranging class just cost you a $1,200 dollar visit to the hospital.
• Plan a vacation. The book it now option cost you $500 dollars less, however when your kid catches the mumps a day before your departure date you learn the cheap price was because it was non-refundable.
• Compliment a random stranger. The stranger just thought you were hitting on her and her weight lifting boyfriend is about to have a “talk” with you... And not in a good way.
• Call a friend you haven’t talked to in years just to touch base. Your friend decides that now is the time to unburden her soul about the time she slept with your boyfriend in college which is why he broke up with you... He said it was because he was going to grad school, the lying bastard. Which then makes you so angry that you take it out on your husband who then has an affair with your sister, because, let’s face it, the slut would totally do it, right?
Wreck-less Advice is not something you need from other people. It could be something that you have always felt inside that just needs to be expressed. You can never know the outcomes of your choices, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t make them. Do something you have always wanted to do, think something you were afraid to think, dare yourself to do the impossible..
And while all of this sounds completely exciting, inventive, and wonderful... Please keep in mind that my greatest posting accomplishment to date is I am the first link that comes up if you google “Guide to bleaching your asshole”.