Insta-post

I was going to write a post to regale you all with the wonders of my new life as an Instacart shopper. I just kept trying to figure out what key points I wanted to touch upon. Certainly the purpose would not be to make you envious of my glamorous life. Mainly it was intended to be a proclamation of finding something that worked for me, as well as a nod of gratitude to the person who nudged me along. Grocery shopping? It's like I had been training my entire adult life for this! 

How to put a spin on this adventure where I live vicariously through people's grocery store lists. If only I knew who Brenda was having over for dinner and whether they know that she combines four kinds of jarred tomato sauce to make it her own. Stacy's house is obviously very clean as there is no way all of that tofu and organic produce is to feed her dust bunnies. Look at Danielle getting all of the ingredients to make a recipe; I doubt she has gray roots showing while she decides the fate of her hair color. Bill? Don't even tell me you rotated the laundry after placing your order; but also don't tell me those Lunchables are for you.

Are there groceries at my house? Well, when I was cleaning houses, how brightly did mine shine? Believe what you want, I don't want to spoil the image you've conjured either way. So how was I going to tell this tale in a way consistent with my point of view? Sometimes you have to just wait a minute, and sometimes you shouldn't ask the question if you aren't quite ready for when the answer runs into the back of your foot with a grocery cart.

There I was trying to load an order onto the conveyor belt at Aldis. If you are not familiar with Aldis, it is a money saving grocery store based on a self service sort of setup. You put a quarter deposit on your cart, open cases of product are on the shelves, your groceries do not get bagged, but rather returned to a cart in the reverse heap of how you shopped them. I am not doing the experience justice, but while I truly appreciate shopping there, it makes me feel a bit frazzled and rushed because I know that all of the employees are timed for whatever they are doing so I don't want to hold anybody up. Okay, back to the checkout scene...as I placed a bottle of salad dressing on the conveyor belt, it started to move and the dressing smashed to the ground. I had to run to look for a replacement, which was not available, and come back to the scornful glances of the cashier and other customers. I packed up the full cart of groceries and headed off to deliver them. I neglected to plug my phone into the charger. (Spoiler alert!)

After the delivery was complete, I saw another at the same store, so I claimed it. I also saw that my phone had about 18% battery and hoped the quick trip back would give it sufficient charge. I headed back into the store and saw that the order was huge...tick tock. I proceeded to the registers that were excessively crowded...tick tock. The guy behind me as I finally started to put groceries on the conveyor really wanted to talk to me about how many groceries I had (as he clearly thought I was the modern together gal using all of Ashley's products), but all I wanted to discuss was the 2% battery level of my phone...and then the tall skinny bottle of olive oil I was frantically unloading smashed to the ground. I looked at the cashier in my lane, while noticing the cashier one lane over (scene of mishap number one) glancing my way. I sheepishly announced "Yes, I just broke a bottle of salad dressing in that aisle on my last trip in" to which my current cashier responded "Well don't you suck?" "Yes, yes I do." I went running back to get a new bottle of oil, then skated back on the slippery floor to the register just in time to see the container of blueberries the cashier had just scanned flinging open and starting to sprinkle all over the groceries in the cart! "That is NOT on me!" I said to no one, but everyone, in particular. She agreed. I had to go running back to the produce department for more berries.

I wish I could have felt as though I was being spoiled as not one, but two people had to simultaneously clean up after me. I still had 1% battery, which was just enough to photograph the receipt and tell the app I was moving along. I was breaking a sweat bagging that full load of groceries, and as I got midway through, all of those scattered blueberries started to shift and fall through the cart to the floor. I am not sure how many I stepped on, but enough to add insult to an already messy injury. 

THAT was the story, a very on brand sort of way for me to tell you what kind of Instacart shopper I can be. As far as living vicariously goes, this afternoon I had to message with a customer over what strength stool softeners I could find available, then throw them in the cart with her mild laxative, antacid and heavy flow Kotex. The party size bags of Cheetos and almond milk were not enough to make me envious.