Friday, June 23, 2017

Lawn ornament

I can't believe how many weeks went by with no Fridays. I wonder who stole them all? No doubt the most concerning part of the ordeal was the lack of my posts in your lives. Hopefully you were able to sleep at night without knowing what I was up to.
I've been keeping a pretty vigilant eye on things around here. Don't let my pose fool you, as I could be up and defending my lawn in seconds...if I wanted to. Maybe we just have some differing opinions on what threats are? Bunnies eating flowers is not an issue for me, as I don't particularly like the taste of petunias. Plus, must I remind her of how much I do enjoy Rabbit Raisinettes? Basically, I have claimed whatever parts of this yard that interest me, and I am not sorry if one of her brand new planters fell into that category. She probably should have peed on it if it was so important.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Just a touch of [creepy] random

Here we are again, trying to keep up with the random at the very least. (Foz would like to add that he is not pleased. I would like to add that, in addition to peeing on the floor daily, he doesn't know what day of the week it is...like ever!) I admit, it took something pretty worthwhile to get me to put aside my laundry folding and ebay auction checking. Where to begin?! Let's just start right at the top...
Sadly that shelf tag was there to confirm my fear of what this item was. "Emoji Poop Jelly Fishy"? Oh. Hell. No. Too far emoji, TOO FAR! It really swims? "Poo!" A "pet"? Make it stop!!!!! Just what is the lifelike movement for a pile of poop? This whole thing is more that a "lil' fishy". I need something to calm me down and find my happy place.
CREEPY MONKEYS OF A CERAMIC VARIETY?!?! No wisps of lifelike hair? And here I thought that was the creepy feature. Nope. For $245 I will come hold your packets of sugar, brew the coffee, stir it AND make you some breakfast to go with. I just can't even! That little one is having horribly devious thoughts, I can just tell. I'll be rocking in the corner if you need me.

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Well gifted random

How do you respond when someone asks you what you want for a special occasion of the gift giving kind? Do you keep a mental list handy just in case, or do you buy yourself the stuff you want for fear nobody will ask, or worse, you will forget what that awesome idea was? I have had awkward moments where inquiring minds did not like the gift suggestion I provided...for something I wanted and/or needed. Can we at least agree that it is difficult to be put on the spot, trying to find a delicate balance between being helpful and seeming greedy?

Maybe sometimes you open a gift that is something so fantastic and unique that there was no possible way you could have known you wanted it - like who knew it existed?! My friend Misty (yeah, I won't bother to link to her blog since it is pretty dusty over there, and you might get hit by a tumbleweed) sent me things like my "World's Okayest Mom" mug and a poop emoji hat. I was unaware of such treasures before they were in my hands.

Recently my aunt bestowed me with some glorious finds that were not only artifacts I did not know one could attain, I was not even positive at first what they were, so stunned was I. Creepy monkeys would have been too obvious, so she widened her search to another part of the animal kingdom for this...
...this, well THIS. A sly eyed pig in a fancy hat with various places to put various things. Are you stumped? Or better still, are you about to tell me how your family had one of these that they put on the table for holidays and every time you served, um, something? Luckily there was a tag, but I am not completely satisfied with the information it provided...
...because what goes in those other two spots?! Toothpicks are my best guess.

Oh, but she was not done, this wizardess of gifting. She had not fully shown me how well she truly knew me, until these were presented...
How would I EVER have known to ask for eggplant headed salt and pepper shakers with creepily drawn sad eyes? I did not even realize the void that was in my life before this pair found their home on my kitchen windowsill.

So the next time someone asks you for a gift idea, tell them to just find something they think is you! Don't forget to come show me what you get! I hope whatever it is brings you as much joy as these items have truly brought me. (Still cracking up every time I look at the eggplants, as I just got them the other day, so the novelty hasn't worn off yet.)

Thursday, June 1, 2017

Good Things come in Threes (or is that bad things?)

This is the final installment of the 2010 Barn Swallow Chronicles. Here we will discover the beginning of the efforts to truly foil the birds' plans.

For the Birds...Part 3: My Other Husband
I admit, I was feeling a little full of myself for the fabulous anti-barn swallow measures I had taken. I decided to proceed to the front door that following morning to admire my handiwork. THAT is when I saw the shoddy workmanship of the person who replaced ONE piece of cardboard. The cardboard pretty much lined the ledge...providing a nice smooth nesting surface!
I spent a moment trying to find a logical explanation for what I was seeing. Maybe the cardboard was put up at an angle, but the birds used all of their might to stomp it back down to a ninety degree angle. THEN I noticed that 2x4, and how it is on top of the cardboard...no way the birds managed that on their own! The birds are clearly paying my husband rent on our porch, and he is doing his best to be a good landlord!

With steam pouring out of my ears, I demanded to know why the cardboard was replaced in this manner. I was told that it was temporary, and he had no idea they would start to rebuild so quickly. Temporary? Like the useless wire from three years ago? Or the birdie balance beams? Those birds would be disappointed to know that their rebuilding efforts were questioned like that!

On my way to work, I realized there was only one person who might understand my dismay. Let's call her my other husband...the one who understands. That is what so many of us women need...those friends who truly empathize with our plight and have the time/interest/energy to listen to/put up with/help us. I went to this friend's house last week to perform my husbandly duty of helping her to move a ginormous chair up the basement stairs. Now for a man and wife, the moment when we got the chair and ourselves lodged in a stairway with two bottom steps missing could've been the makings for a heated exchange and one really lousy evening. However, we laughed ourselves silly, knowing we'd figure out something, and then have a snack--hooray!

Anyway, back to the birds...this is what I came home to after work that day...

You guess which husband did it!

p.s. It's been four days, and there are no birds, and no poop....just a delightful sound of bugs "tinging" off the tinfoil at night, if I leave the porch light on.