Monday, October 7, 2013

2 B's or not 2 D's

As I weeded out my summer clothes last week, I noticed a trend. I had a few brand new white shirts that had never been worn. My instincts told me that if they had not been worn for an entire season, they should be donated. The problem was that I really liked the shirts, and remembered feeling joy when the purchases were made. Suddenly the reason for their neglect hit me. Perhaps you remember this...
No? This is my best fitting bra. As you can see, not terribly conducive to fabulous white t-shirts. Mind you "best fitting" might be a bit misleading, as it does not necessarily mean it fits well, just better than the rest of the collection. If you need (ok, want) a glimpse at some of my bra shopping endeavors, check here or here.

Yes, I have met disappointment in the lingerie department on numerous occasions, but then I heard of a place...a marvelous place. The wizardesses at Soma possessed a knowledge of tape measure reading and magical cup size formulas that could change my life. (That may not be exactly what I was told, but it is fairly close to what my desperate mind heard.) They were conjuring up sizes never before dreamt of. Someday that adventure was going to be mine. I held that vision as a treat for myself when the kids went back to school, and I had free time to get lost in a fitting room that knew how to care for me and my girls. Lofty ambitions, I know. Somehow I got busy cleaning junk drawers and the like during the month of September, and forgot about my mission, until I saw that little pile of unworn shirts.

As I approached the Soma storefront, I almost let myself be intimidated by the bright and shiny. I took a deep breath and walked in. I was the only customer in the store, and my presence snapped the saleswoman into action as she ended her personal phonecall. I told her I was interested in a bra that actually fit properly. I expected rainbows of measuring tape and some comfy bath robe, maybe a speck of tea. I saw the price tags, there had to be something wondrous in store for me. The first fantastic piece of information I received was that I had grown two inches around my rib cage since my last bra fitting. Then I was told that I was a B. Now maybe the fabulous fitters had some new system I was unaccustomed to, so the DD's and I played along. I was already wearing a bra that only sort of fit, so who was I to doubt what the nice young lady was telling me.

I followed close behind her as she led me to the promised land wall of bras. She started handing me some B's, with a couple of D's thrown in just to humor me I guess. As I held one of the espresso cups up to my grandes, she whipped all of the B's away and piled on some more D's. She told me her name in case I needed her, as she left me in the fitting room with so much satin. 

"Um, Erica? This doesn't fit."

The two of us stood there together pondering what we saw in the mirror. Gaps in the wrong places, overflow in the wrong places (as if there was a right place for such). She offered to get a DD, but then I mentioned that the gaps would just be gappier. Time to try another style.

"Um, Erica?"
"No, that is not how that is supposed to fit."

Again, we both were baffled by the disconnect between the magical measuring tape and my inability to actually fit in a bra. She brought me one other bra to try and I told her that if she came back and found me crouched on the floor crying, she'd know what had happened.


We stood staring into the mirror, as I questioned the fit and commented on just what should be tucked in. Erica told me to put on the tank top that was hanging in the fitting room to give an idea of how things would actually look since I was intending to wear clothes. She might have made a small mistake when she mentioned how the bra was "smoothing out my back", I was not concerned about back fat when I walked in. Brilliant sales technique, Erica. I asked Erica to go get my friend who I was shopping with for some sort of consultation. Basically I just wanted her to marvel over how I am able to stand erect based on the visual of the crazy bra with a too small tank top. 

The bra was kind of complicated to hook, but who doesn't like that kind of aggravation adventure getting dressed in the dark at six a.m.?

I just had too much invested to walk away. Too much hope. Without a spring in my step I proceeded to the check out. I checked with Erica to confirm that I had tried on all styles that fit my specifications. My friends shouted over "What about the Minimizer?" By then the store manager had appeared, and added her two cents, "Uh, I recommend those for smaller sized women." I looked at her and asked her to excuse me for a moment.

I turned towards my friends, "Hey, brace yourselves for this one...that bra is for smaller women. The MINIMIZER is for women with smaller chests."

"That particular style" grumbled the manager.

So for all of you small busted women who want to look smaller still, Soma has got a bra for you!

(Aaaaaaand I am returning the one I bought in my moment of joy seeking weakness.)


  1. I'm glad you're returning it. That sound like a couple D cups of crap to me.

    And if you minimized me any more, I'd be concave.

  2. I was led over here by Kerri Sackville on fb and am so glad I was! Yes, I do see things the way you do and am often (daily) left wondering "Is it just me", in fact my GP has been telling me for years that I am "wired differently". Bras - don'
    t get me started (so to speak). Having been a trim 60-65kg slip of girl with no boobs to speak of (could not fill and A cup) until 17 years ago when I was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma (bone marrow cancer) and as a consequence have had a steady diet of chemo which includes steroids on and off from then, I am now 20kg heavier and have the cleavage I always wanted and now no longer want. So you see I have had a few adventures in bra fitting rooms and have yet to find anybody who knows how a bra is supposed to fit. Your opening words raised my hopes and I was about to google Soma stores in Adelaide. That is until I read on. What a load of untrained excuses for salespeople you struck! What is wrong with these females? What is wrong with manufacturers? I would probably have more luck getting a bra to fit if I'd had to have a breast removed! (no disrespect to breast cancer sufferers intended) Is it not bad enough that clothing manufacturers think we are all a size 10 and don't have shoulders? Why should we have to suffer the discomfort of badly fitting underwear to boot (and don't get me started on shoes). In my next life I am coming back as a fully trained and sympathetic bra fitter. The end.

  3. Forgot to click the notify button so doing it now in the hope it will work on my previous post

  4. CORRECTION - it was Worlds Worst Moms who directed me to you and NOT Kerri Sackville as I said in the above long ramble. I am getting old. The End At Last

  5. I HATE bra shopping! It ranks right up there with cleaning the drains. I buy a sports bra in XL and hope for the best.

  6. Well, that just sucks. I have been planning on shopping there when I find myself at the mall kid- less someday. Every time I have walked by Soma, I feel a mix of excitement and dread. And I admit, intimidation as there is never anyone else in there and I want to be able to perruse the bras without a sales person jumping on my back! The last time I was measured for a bra, I was told I was a DD. Mind you, this was after having a breast reduction where I was informed I would be dramatically transformed from a DDD to a smaller C. I told this to the sales woman who remeasured and said no, definitely a DD. I was devistated! To have gone through surgery and an infection to go down barely 1 size!!! But, after trying on many bras the sales girl picked for me and finding them all baggie In the cup area, I left empty handed, disillusioned and confused. I since have had better luck picking out my own bras at Target and they have all been C cups! I guess I will skip the fancy store and there unknowledgable sales people. Sounds like just another disappointment in my quest for the perfect fitting bra.

  7. You have got to be kidding?? A bra "specialist" and she can't tell the difference between B boobs and DD boobs? And it was extremely thoughtful of her to mention the back fat!! OMG..........
    I don't even know what to say about a "minimizer" for smaller women. Yup, that's just what the flat chested disappear. Sheesh!

  8. Oh my! What's this world coming to, when a decent-sized breast cannot be properly measured? This is a universally annoying occurrence that no woman should have to suffer. I am writing my Congressman today! Should I call the President too?

  9. Yeah, finding bras for us big girls is tough. Like you, I sometimes find one that seems okay in the shop, but within a couple weeks it's become a mini straight jacket and is choking the life out of me. Like underwire bras. They look great but it soon becomes obvious they're actually some kind of Soviet era torture device. :(

  10. Ugh, sounds like my trips to find a bra that'll just well ... fit without me breaking the suckers and tearing the 'bones' out just to be comfortable ... -_-

  11. Let's kill Erica because she's evil!
    I only buy the t-shirt bra from GAP. LOVE those bras. You can wear them under white t-shirts :D
    I found a brand new white t-shirt from Anthropologie in the depths of my closet last week and I wore it to the horse show last weekend. I was upset because I could've been wearing it all summer!
    The swirly bra would not look good under a white t-shirt.
    Why are you trying to squeeze the girls into a B cup when you're a DD? Sounds cruel.

    Did you ever find a bra?